i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
