Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
