it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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