I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize