I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize