We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
