I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
