i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
