Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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