His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
