do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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