Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
