Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Soap is not a condiment
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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