you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
