oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
