mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
