I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
