Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
