i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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