Who wears a wallet chain?!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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