He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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