i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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