seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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