Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
