I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
