But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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