Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
