got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
