i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
