legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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