It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
