you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
