Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
