I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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