i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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