i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
