How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
