i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I still have a little drunk in my system
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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