Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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