So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
