the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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