she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize