There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
