someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
