The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
