In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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