oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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