i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
