I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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