When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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