She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
