Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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