i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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