the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
