Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
