Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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