It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My vagina is officially offended.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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