Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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