He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Randomize
