that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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