if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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