She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
